so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
