when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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