She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
