wanna go halves on a baby?
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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