apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
