I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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