two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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