yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
