I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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