That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
