Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
