I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
