Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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