I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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