So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
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