I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I know her cup size but not her name....
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