You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I lost the right to judge tonight
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
