Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
