Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
