Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
