It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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