Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Randomize
