Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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