Swine flu. Run for my life!
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
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