my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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