if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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