i love accidental penises.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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