not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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