I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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