Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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