dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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