By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
