sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
