So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
