I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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