Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
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the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
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