white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
