It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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