dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
it was like having sex with a tree stump
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
