She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Alive.
So much puke
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
