And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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