I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
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Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
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I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.