Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Green mimosas i think yes
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I'm like, not good at living.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
