I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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