No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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