so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
they need to just BURY HIM!
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Randomize
