he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
