Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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