so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
