JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
