you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
