I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
the night ended with taco bell and tears
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
