Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
