I'm eating all of the evidence.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
how does that bad decision feel?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
