I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
