I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Will exercising make me less horny?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
