I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
