Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
