A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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