My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
