kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
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