the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Randomize
